10 Things Men Have Learned From Women's Magazines

Disclaimer: This fictional piece of human psychology has been written with absolutely no research or groundwork by the author. He doesn't claim to understand women even a little bit and all his “enlightenment” about women came during the years he spent at a monastery called the Indian Institute of Technology, Kanpur where the only contact he had with the fairer sex was through literature (of the wrong kind), online chats (which usually turned out to be a batch mate/senior masquerading as a woman) and during cultural festivals (usually accompanied by their own set of bodyguards). The situation hasn't improved much since then.
The views expressed have been done after expert (mis)training. Please don't try this at home.


May 2007

“..A ooman's body iz az camplax az har mind..” so said the wise (sic) guru addressing a room full of well preserved upper class middle aged women. When confronted with 'camplax' questions from his flock, like “..will a good relationship with my daughter-in-law help lower my cholesterol?” our Guru asks them to 'look heavenwards' and does what any self respecting man would have done in his place. Reach out for a women's magazine for answers! This scene is a recreation of a TV ad for the launch of a new women's magazine called Prevention, which is doing the rounds on national TV these days.

While the ad may seem comical, when you think about it, it actually starts to make sense. A women's magazine is the easiest and the most entertaining way to enter the 'camplax' world of the female brain. A lot of men buy women's magazine simply for the fact that most of them carry a lot of skimpily clad women. While this is all good, it also gives us a lot of insight on how the female brain works and why they are the way they are. And you women folk thought that these magazines where every page tells you that you are overweight, over the hill and are wearing the last century's fashions are meant for you? Get wise! The publishers/editors of women's magazine are smart. By featuring saucy centerspreads and come hither models they can also target the menfolk and moreover, a women's magazine is the only erotic material that he can check out in the house without his spouse giving him an earful or more! And if you thought that all the tips and tricks they give you on how to 'win your man', 'hide an affair', 'win the power battle between the sexes' were for you, think again. They actually help us in being ahead of the game (more on this conspiracy theory some other time)

Since this is an article on what we, men have learned from reading women's magazines, here we go:

1) When you have PMS we can now identify the signs, like easily irritable, hoarse voice, dressed like you don't give a damn and a tendency to throw things at you (in other words a “wife”)

2) Whenever you come dressed in your seductive best, with full war paint on your face, it just means that you are in your most fertile period of the month and your internal conditioning of trying to attract potential mates just takes over and you do it without even realizing it. Similar behavior can be seen in the animal and bird kingdom, where potential mates call out to each other using special mating calls and in the flower kingdom where plants 'flower' to propagate the species.

3) The ecstasy a woman experiences in dressing herself up can only be surpassed when she dresses someone else up. The sufferer in most cases turns out to be the poor unsuspecting boyfriend or spouse. A more dramatic effect is noticed when this experiment is carried upon the woman's teenage son. Try to imagine a shopping trip, when the mother-son duo enters the men's section and she starts selecting underwear for him, pink polka dotted that too! (reminds you of good old times doesn't it boys?). This habit too has its roots in genetic conditioning and the first signs you see are when as kids, you see the female child dressing up her dolls (even if she has a set of manly looking trucks, they will usually be called Papa truck, Mama truck & Baby truck) and does up her doll house.

4) We now know that when you cozy up to us randomly for no reason and acts extra nice,you must have done something horrible and are trying to prepare us for the shocker

5) When you tell us your problems, in most cases you aren't looking for a solution. You just want somebody to hear you out which is not possible with us. Our genetic conditioning just makes us look for solutions to any problem (In other words, don't come to us with your sob stories while we are at our Playstation). If we DO hear you out, it just means that we are thinking about the benefits we are going to reap after you are done.

6) The next time you give us the cold shoulder, it is not because of something we said or did. It MIGHT be because of something we said which we didn't do which could have done if we didn't say that we would do and even after doing it we didn't have to say that we would do it simply for the fact that we didn't think that we would do what we said. Really 'camplax' creatures you all are dahlins!

7) Women like their partners to make them laugh. Going by this rationale, the clowns at the circus should be the most sought-after guys in this world. So all you single hopeless men with ill fitting clothes, bald heads with loud and colorful personalities you know what to do.

8) Most women won't mind an affair/fling with a 'bad' boy. This made me realize why my mother would always try to make a 'good' boy out of me. She simply didn't want me to have any action with the fairer sex!!

9) Most women have a 'controling' nature. This again is genetic conditioning when, as primitives the responsibility to ration food items used to fall upon the women folk. So if we look at the life cycle of a man, he is controlled by his mother as a kid, his girlfriend when he is young, his wife in marriage and his daughter when he is old. This shows that a man is actually 'free' only in college. So all you college going guys enjoy your freedom because some female is lurking around the corner to take it away from you forever :).

10) Your wife and your mother can never be friends. The relationship can be cordial at best.

OK! the last point I didn't get from a women's magazine. I got it from watching K-serials :).

PS: If you liked this article and want to support the author's women's magazine buying spree (it's a little costly you see), kindly use the google search engine below for a search query
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