Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My 5 Most Challenging Problems Ever (..and their answers??)

There are questions and there are Questions.. I am sure you must have also been in a situation where you just stood back and wondered at a problem so interesting and challenging that it has the potential to change the course of nothing less than the Universe!

My problems however are more ordinary. So without further ado, lets hit the road..

#5. Dressed Chickens

Please correct me if I am wrong, but as per my understanding, the act of covering your naked body with a garment or otherwise is called "Dressing" and the act of taking off that very outer wear is called "Undressing". Unfortunately, it is not so in case of our poultry friends

If you go to a shop selling poultry and ask for a "Dressed Chicken", going by our definition above, you would expect a complete rooster in its full multi-colored plumage. But to your horror, you should expect to see something like the picture to your right. That's correct... in Poultrese, "Dressed" is equivalent to being "Undressed" of your fine feathers, your royal head with its proud crown being chopped off along with your dainty webbed feet.

"..but the memo said it was a formally 'dressed' board meeting"

#4. Is The Quality Of Home Food Going Down?

Countless homes all over the world have broken up for the simple reason that the wife can't cook as well as the mother-in-law. How many times have you witnessed your own father complaining "Mom used to cook the Butter Chicken so much better.." with your mother giving him a steely glare. And if you thought that your grandmother really cooked the best Butter Chicken in the world, you are sadly mistaken. What is scary is that your grandfather in a similar setting had said the same thing to her and your great-grandfather and everyone before that, to their respective spouses. Right back to Adam.

So does this mean that the standards of home food have been going down the ages? Possible.. but a more rationale explanation would be that your mother's cooking is soul food and will always taste better. Crap!! mom just cooks better. End of argument

Ohh.. and as for Adam, this comment ended his stay in Paradise. How? Try it on your wife. Your paradise will end.

"My wife make horrible food.. she killed by bear.. very nice.. I miss her cheese but"

#3. Why Do Dogs Pee On Car Tyres?

Dogs like to mark their territory by peeing on objects, trees, humans whatever... but when it comes to cars, they will always go for the tyres. This act is totally independent of the dog's breed, nationality or gender (however, males will lift their legs and females will hunch their rears). They could have gone for the car doors, hatch, grille or even the glass windows. But no! they will pee on the tyres. Why can't they pee on the areas which have been dirtied by bird poop? At least the liquid will clean away the poop. It is as if the birds and the dogs have an agreement on who gets to soil which parts of the car and share a secret laugh at you every time they poop or pee on your baby.

A smart friend has this theory that maybe because the tyres are the only part of the car which is in touch with the ground, dogs feel that they are the "roots" of the "object" and therefore is the ideal place to leave their mark.

"Shez mine yo! All you dawgs stay off her.."

4. Why Do Babies Pee When They Hear "Sssssss....hhhh"?

Babies have an insatiable need to feed and to poop. They come genetically pre-programmed to hunt down the nipples of the nearest human female and suck the life out of them literally. Also the ability to know exactly when its parents are sleeping so that it can destroy it, comes pre-programmed. But one thing that has not been studied perhaps in great detail is why do babies respond to the sound "Ssssss...hhh" by letting go of their bladders.

Again like dogs, this response goes beyond race, nationality or gender. A baby knows only one response to this sound.. Let it go baby!

Or I might be completely wrong and maybe it is the combination of the sound as well as the actions that are done to make the baby pee by its mother in the hope that it will not wet the bed in the night. But the babies are smart. They might let go a little when they hear the sound, but they save the best for the exact moment when their parents just enter deep sleep.

"Bringing you to the library was not a very good idea"

# 1. No Matter How Much / Hard You Shake, The Last Drop Always Wets Your Underwear

This might be strictly a male phenomenon, so if you ladies also experience the same, I would love to do more "research" on it

Guys, after they have pee-ed, shake their members to let loose the excess pee that might have accumulated on the foreskin or the last remnants of the original release by the bladder. Each guy has a different and distinctive style of executing this action but one fact that all of us have accepted as infallible is the rule "No matter... wets your underwear"

It is not that we haven't or don't try. I know guys who have gone to extremes to prove the rule wrong. They have spent countless hours researching the human anatomy for answers and solutions to this most unique problem that besiege the human male. They have tried various stirring and shaking methods, changed positions, experimented with frequency of the movements and have even stood still for hours hoping that it will dry up. But alas, when they thought they have finally won, that little drop comes out triumphantly and wets their underwear, almost as if someone up there is having a good laugh at the little joke he played in designing the human male urinary system!

"Sayz who?"

Saturday, August 23, 2008

5 Applications I Want On The iPhone

OK... the iPhone 3G finally made its debut in India.

Every new product market launch from the Apple stable causes fanbois to line up and camp in front of the stores, days (sometimes weeks) ahead of the launch date, across the world. Surprisingly, in one of the biggest markets for mobile phones in the world (India dumbo!), the launch didn't create any such fanatic activity and the one guy, a small time actor, who actually made it to the store at midnight, had his 15 minutes of fame on national TV and press.

No point in writing a review about the iPhone as it has been done to death by everyone. What we will do instead is to talk about one feature of the iPhone which I found very innovative. It is the Application Store, where you just logon to, browse through the various applications (including third party ones!) and pick something which interests you. You can choose from mobile games, movie, music, karaoke and even finance applications.

Top 5 applications in my wishlist would be:

# 5. Honker Buster Ultimate

How many times have you felt like murdering the person driving the vehicle behind / next to you at traffic signals or jams. No matter how impossible it might be to move even an inch, he/she will honk as if you are respopnsible for the jam. And if you have experienced the highways in Mumbai, you will know what I mean. Don't worry, help is near with the new Honker Buster Ultimate application

The next time you are in such a situation, just run the Honk Buster application on your iPhone and point the phone to the offending vehicle. It will emit a powerful electro-magnetic pulse which will disable all electric circuits in the vehicle rendering it totally useless for 1 minute. In that 1 minute, he will see his entire life pass before his eyes and will realise how it feels like to be on the recieving end of all that honking

#4. Guess Who?

How many times have you met somebody somewhere and forgot completely about him after that meeting. Then one fine day, 5 years down, you see that someone come running to you with open arms and introduces you to his family and you have no idea who he was and you don't want to break the poor guy's heart by telling him that you don't remember him. This is when the Guess Who? application on your iPhone comes to the rescue

Everytime you meet a new person, just run the Guess Who? application and your iPhone will do an automatic scan of the person's facial features, biometrics and voice and store it in the phone memory archives along with the name and the conversation (kinda like gmail). The next time you are in a sticky situation, just run the application and click on "Search" option. Based on the subject's voice alone, it will give you the details about the subject and your history with him. No more awkward situations with the "Guess Who?" application.

#3. Universal RiMote Beta

One for all and All for one. There are a lot of universal remotes available but each of them has their own set of problems and the biggest challnge is that you are not carrying one when you actually need one. All will be history with the Universal RiMote application

This application is actually universal as it will sync your iPhone with all electronice devices (which can be conrolled remotely and irrespective of manufacturer) within a range of 15 feet and give you a list of controllable devices like a normal phone throws a list of bluetooth enabled devices around you. You pick your device and start using the controls remotely. No more fighting with your spouse for the TV

#2. Stun Da Gun

Ever been in a life threathening situation where you wish you had a stun gun? (I have been in a lot of dog dramas). This is when you should be able to covert your iPhone into a defensive weapon using the Stun Da Gun application

Like emergency numbers, the combination required to activate this application should be accessible even if the touchscreen is locked. Once activated, you just have to take aim and press the power (fire) button. It will release an electric pulse with enough voltage to stun an average human male for 10 seconds. So cool..

Since it can be used as a weapon, this application will be sold like one too

#1. Get Laid Suite

Tired of spending Saturday nights watching TV or surfing porn? Don't despair. Help is just an application away. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the ultimate in seduction technology guaranteed to ensure that you never sleep alone again, the newly updated Get Laid Suite now available at the Apple Application Store for just $2

What does it do? Lets take the scenario of you heading out to a hot spot on Saturday night and how this application helps you.

Featured highlights:
  • Scans the number of incoming / outgoing calls from a nightspot, checks with the service provider for the percentage of female listed numbers and gives you the demographic statistics. Example: ClubX has 112 active users in the past 30 minutes. 67 active female listed numbers
  • When inside the club, you hover your iPhone over a female and it gives you the following information: Biological age, height, bust size and if they are real, most likely profession and the likely number of drinks you will have to buy her to get into her panties (costing will be based on the club's rates)
  • Wingman 1.0 feature gets turned on if lady is with another guy. The other guy suddenly gets a text from his mother asking him to come quickly for an emergency. Most appropriate line to kick start the conversation is displayed
  • During the conversation, based on keywords, information and trivia are prompted regularly to make you sound knowledgeable and intelligent. Also eliminates the requirement of you having to listen to her attentively (well.. very attentively at least :-P)
  • After both of you have warmed up enough and its time to take her home, Dial-A-Ride application ensures that a cab is waiting for you outside the club door with your address already texted to the driver's phone
  • Forgot to check if you have condoms back at your pad? Fear not, for Doc Con 1.1 application has already cheked the medicine stores open at that time around your are and a pack of your preferred brand is on its way
  • Erogenous Zone Detector application then scans the female and based on the nerve distribution data analysis determines the 5 most erogenous zones for you
  • OrgasmO application ensures that she climaxes at least 5 times during the act
OK.. I might have been a little over ambitious with OrgasmO :-)

There you go. I hope I get to see these applications available soon. Which applications are you waiting for?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Love Shove And All That Bullshit...

.. Or alternatively, Shove All That Love Up Your...

(A guest post)

When you sum it all up, Indian men have two psychological complexes which are complemented by the female of the Indian species equally well. But me being me, a prominent sexist and popularly titled MCP, I shall show you everything only from the male side of things, you do the substitution. For instance, when the man is doing his hero thing, the woman is doing her daddy thing.

1. The Hero complex
2. The Oedipus complex

If you look closely most Indian men at the beginning of courtship are always trying to save the woman. They're always like, "Are you in trouble? What happened? This That, come let me help you cross the road, go against your father's will, he's not the father of your life... more this and more that!" The man is known to go to the extent of trying to convince the woman she's in trouble only to save her. Yes of course, there are times when this backfires but the corollaries are not important to the theory.

And then they put on a cape and fly down (which they can't) so they tarzan swing down to help.
Post initial courtship phase: The hero phase causes sudden exhaustion of all the adrenaline they've gathered over a dry spell. They suddenly realise that their knees are weak and they need mumma back! But then of course they have to maintain hero image in front of girl, so they end up treating girl like mumma!

Just like the phases of grief, one doesn't always go through all the phases of courtship. Sometimes they tend to skip one or the other phase depending on how well the woman has adapted. Sometimes one phase lasts much longer than the other. Sometimes both of them together last as long as a lifetime. Sometimes women enter the man's life as second mummas only. Sometimes the men keep saving the woman forever and the woman keeps getting into trouble purposely to keep their attention.

Anyways, the point being once they run out of stories which dont fall into either of the above phases, there starts a conflict of interest. During this phase of conflict, the couple --
A. Either they really fall in love
B. Starts cheating on each other/breaks up.

The third and most popular option is addiction. This where the post-courtship phase begins in case they don't fall in love, they get addicted to whatever hell one is putting the other through OR both are putting each other through. Even fear is a hormone one can get addicted to. Unlike A and B, the third option is not exclusive, it may come with packets of A and B as well.

Falling in love is very rare and tough because that would mean they'd have to accept how stupid they were during courtship. Heroes and Sons don't accept they're stupid. A damsel-not-in-distress and a mother will NEVER EVER accept that either.

So the ultimate question in all these relationships is: Once the drama dies, who will save them? Is this lack of drama another universal name for relationship? Some questions unfortunately can't be answered by mankind. Though one can always derive immense pleasure from this all when one is a third person viewer. If you're a first person experiencing it all, then the sex better be good and worth it.

Thus ends a lecture on Male-Female Non-Platonic Interactions. Thank you, don't come again...

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Look Who Is Smiling

There are 2 movie sequels that I have out most respect for. The first is the second installment to every teenage boy's wet dream franchisee, Star Wars : The Empire Strikes Back where one of the biggest badass in movie history Darth Vader reveals to Luke that he came into this universe (can't say "world" here) from his loins! The other movie would be good ol' Arnie coming back from the future to save the teenaged John Connor in Terminator 2

Add Dark Knight (2008) to the rolls and that too right at the top! All because of one guy and I am not talking about the Batman

Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in applauding the late Heath Ledger in creating the most dangerous and vile villain of all times, the Joker. Jack Nicholson had created the benchmark when he enacted the Joker's role in the Michael Keaton starer Batman (1989). Heath has not only upped the bar, but he pretty much ensured that the Joker is never going to be part of any Batman movie ever. He has made this role his very own. It is said that when Heath was preparing himself for this role, he got himself locked up in a room with food being pushed in from the bottom of the door. And as if taking his reel character to real life, he played a cruel joke on everyone when his lifeless body was discovered in his apartment early this year. Possible cause of death: overdose.

What he has done to the Joker character is beyond words. The Joker has always been the greatest enemy of the Batman, his nemesis and also his biggest fear. The Batman is feared by everyone, even by his peer superheroes and for good reason. He is the only hero without any "super"powers and has to rely only on his (in)human abilities to survive and take down the bad guys. One false move, loss of concentration for one split second and the cowl and cape will be part of some museum. He is the guy who single handedly can take down the entire league of superheroes if he feels that the world wasn't safe with them, with the greatest superpower in the universe, the mind and tactics. And when the Batman fears someone, it makes you stand up and take notice.

The Joker has killed not one, but two of Bruce Wayne's (Batman's identity in the real world) extended family. Other than Rachael Dawes (the movie character), the other victim is none other than Jason Todd, who was Batman's crime fighting partner Robin when Tim Drake (the original Robin) feeling he needed to get out of his mentor's shadow and find his own identity, abandoned Wayne Manor and left Gotham City. And in true Joker method, he makes the Batman watch while killing Jason in the graphic novel, A Death In The Family (1989).

What Ledger has done is to take all the ingredients assimilated from all characterization of the Joker and added his own variety of insanity to it. The slithering of the tongue in reptilian fashion, the smacking of the lips in anticipation of a tasty and satisfying kill, the desire to put up a grand show of mayhem, the spine chilling grin and the explanations for his physical and mental scars makes you forget that it is a Batman movie and he is the villain. And he is quite frank in admitting that he is an 'agent of chaos' and his dastardly acts are experiments to prove that we are essentially evil from inside and all pretensions of love and brotherhood go for a toss if the right buttons are pressed. He almost succeeds and while doing so, he ensures that the movie belongs to him and Batman and even a major league villain like Two-Face are mere spectators to his orchestra of pure evil. May his soul rest in peace

Chris Nolan has resurrected the entire Batman franchisee from the farce that it had become with the George Clooney starer Batman and Robin (1997) and how to take it further is the question that must be also bothering him now that he has pretty much created the best movie of the decade so far.

My forecast:

Top 3 highest grosser of all times
Best Actor (Academy Awards) - Heath Ledger
Best Director (Academy Awards) - Chris Nolan
Best Movie (Academy Awards) - Winner or close very close runners-up

Ohh, and btw they are coming out with Terminator 4 - Salvation. This triology will focus on John Connor's fight against the machines and guess who is playing John? Check out the trailer below to find out. If you are too lazy, then it is Christian Bale :-). Now he is no more an independent movie actor, but in top league with the Batman and Terminator franchisees

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Tips For A Successful Underwear Management

For most guys, specially the college going ones, one of the chief worries in life is how to derive the maximum mileage from their underwear without having to clean them. Prior to college, mom would have taken care of the laundry and post college, sex (or the desire to have sex) with girlfriends and wives will force them to wash their underwear rather frequently.

The same problem is faced by frequent fliers and people with jobs which require them to be on the road a lot. Either you can carry with you a separate bag full of clean underwear, purchase new stock at the nearest convenient stores or wash them on the go. This is all fine, but they present a new set of challenges. A bag full of underwear can get u arrested as an "underwear thief" suspect or worse.. a sexual pervert at the airport. Constant purchases of underwear will not be feasible until the time your company starts reimbursing them under the head "Travel Hygiene". Washing on the go is a big pain and it gets worse if they don't dry by the time you are ready to go. Wet underwear will ensure you get fungal infection and you can pretty much look forward to a "scratching session" while making that presentation to that client of yours.

The challenge for a successful strategy to get the maximum mileage out of a pair of underwear was put forward by a cousin of mine who recently started a micro-insurance company which required him to travel to villages for weeks at a go, without requiring him to do anything of the above options. Another smart cousin of mine came up with a four pronged solution to make a pair of boxers last a minimum of four days without feeling "overtly unclean".

Day 1 (The Straight Dude):
Wear your clean pair boxers the normal way. Make sure that you have applied your anti-perspirant and a dab of anti-fungal dusting powder on your privates. Take extra care not to dirty it much, especially after peeing or using the loo. Also take extreme care not to engage in extreme physical exertions so as to prevent your pubic area from sweating profusely. If you have to engage in sports, then go commando (without underwear).

Before retiring for the night, iron (if possible) boxers and hang in an airy place.

Day 2 (Revolving Reverse):
Remove boxers from hanger and put them on backside front. It means that on the second day, the back of your boxers will face the front. Repeat all precautions from the first day with one more addition. From the second day onwards, before getting physically intimate with your partner, remember to remove your underwear before the romp or at least turn off the lights during foreplay (if you like to keep them on).

Repeat ironing and airing exercise.

Day 3 (The Inside Outsiders):
This is the most crucial day and if you manage a incident free third day, you have almost made it home. On this day, you wear your boxers the normal way, except that you will have to wear it inside out. Now you understand the importance of ironing and airing them every night. Chances are that a little stink will emanate from your underwear (at least for the newbies). You will now have to resort to a good deodorant. You are also advised to restrict all your sexual romps to the bathroom, while bathing and showering

Repeat ironing and airing exercise.

Day 4 (Revolving Reverse II)
The last day. Extra anti-perspirant, anti-fungal dusting powder and deodorant recommended. Wear your inside out boxers reverse side (from the third day). Repeat all standard precautions. This is by far the longest day of the experiment and also the most uncomfortable. Stay away from sex that night and spend that time in the shower instead.

Put boxers in an airtight zipper pouch and send to laundry

Disclaimer: This is an experimental procedure yet to clear regulations. So if you decide to follow it, please do it at your own risk and don't sue us.

Readers who have liked or found this post helpful, will also like this post

Thursday, May 8, 2008


Nothings changed really... except maybe for the learning that I shouldn't sing :-)

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Why Men Can't Wear Heels

There are few things more beautiful than the sight of a woman who can walk in heels. It is one of the most painful things that you can do to your heels and ankles, but I must say that if done well, the clippitty-cloppity of those heels can be pure poetry in motion. No matter what your body shape, type or fashion sense, if you can master the art of walking in heels you will still look extremely hot! (at least in my book)

Little girls are initiated into this ritual quite early in their lives, when they try out their mothers' make up kit and shoes while MOST boys are busy killing each other with their toys. This brings us to the question why men can't wear heels. Most obvious answers would be:
  • Men already have the height advantage, so adding a few inches won't really make any difference unless you are Salman Khan
  • Most manly activities will be hampered if you wear heels. Try playing catch in the office wearing heels
  • You don't want to wake up every morning and quarrel with the women in your family on who gets to wear those nice heels to office that day
  • Men are not exactly your most graceful creatures and the addition of heels will make us look even more ugly
All the above answers are very correct, but they are all answers to "Why men WON'T wear heels" rather than "Why men CAN'T wear heels". The answer to the latter question, my dear friends lies in the structural differences between physiques of men and women.

It is a fact that women have stronger lower bodies and men have stronger upper bodies. To demonstrate this phenomenon, walk into any gym into your neighborhood and observe the workout routine of the males and the females. You will have the women concentrating more on their already stronger lower bodies with exercises like running on the treadmill, steppers and cycling/spinning while the men concentrating EXCLUSIVELY on their upper bodies!

Most women have this fear of working with weights on their upper bodies as they feel that they will grow huge ugly muscles. They don't understand that it is essential to work with light to medium weights to strengthen and tone their upper bodies. In the case of the men, the situation is worse. All of them want to attain the "V' shaped figure and they would religiously do their bench presses, bicep curls, tricep pulls, abdominal crunches and shoulder lifts, while totally neglecting their chicken legs. The end result is something like Johnny Bravo (see pic). It is a V-shape alright, but in this case, the V doesn't stop at the waist. It extends all the way to the feet.

Leaving aside gym habits, this basic difference in the physique of the sexes make it difficult for men to wear heels. Due to their weaker lower halves, it is very difficult for men to balance their heavier tops in high heels. Even if they manage to balance themselves, the awkwardness in their gait becomes obvious. In case of women, it becomes much easier as they already have stronger lower bodies.

So the next time you see guys in heels, please spare a second look at them to honor their bravery in going against nature :-)

Friday, March 7, 2008

A Front/Rear Side Story

Indians like to do it with their hands and water. Westerners use paper. I am sure you have by now guessed what I am referring to. If not, then I am assuming you do neither so please feel free to tell us more about your technique

Of course I am referring to the cleaning of the exit after the dump. No matter where you do it, in the open, on the side of the railway tracks, in your home loo or at your buddy's loo, I am sure you do clean up after the act.

The point of discussion, however is not the loo. It is the ritual of cleanup after the act. If you are an average Indian, it is pretty simple. You pick up a mug of water, roll up your sleeves of your left hand (in case you are lefty, then the right hand), and then with a rather unassuming air, splash water on the exit orifice and with a daft movement of the fingers clean it up.

So what's the interesting part you ask? well my dear friends, here lies the catch. Has it ever occurred to you to spare a moment and think about the direction from where you splash water on your orifice? You will say "Its pretty simple. Everybody splashes the water from the front/rear !!". Wait a minute, did you just say front/rear? Yes my friend, you can splash water from both directions.

Now I will share with you some of the findings of a rather scientific research and study that I conducted way back in college. I went around with a questionnaire and polled some 300 odd students, ladies included, on the splashing direction habit of people and to summarize:
  • The number of people who splashed water from the rear is exactly the same as the number of people who splashed water from the front! It is one of those unexplained mysteries of the world. Nobody knows why, but it is evenly balanced. The day one faction outnumbers the other, it will be doomsday for sure!
  • 90% of people who participated in the poll didn't even know that you can splash water from the other direction!
  • 95% of the participants felt that splashing water from the other direction was practically impossible and couldn't understand why anyone would do it
  • 50% of couples polled had opposite directions. It came as a major shock for all the couples
  • People of different directions (amongst the same sex) were more likely to become good friends.
  • Only a rare 1% polled were unidirectionally, which meant that they were adept at splashing water from both directions. All of them were high achievers in their field of study. Sign of genius??
  • Left handers are more likely to splash water from the front, while right handers are pretty much adept at both directions
  • A high 70% of the ladies polled, did it from the front.
  • Western potty users are more likely to do it from the front
So if are through reading this post, ask your neighbor about his habits and I assure you, you will be surprised with his answer and he will be too when you tell him your side ;-)

As for me, I do it from behind :-)

See you guys after my holiday!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Whassup Yo?

Long time no see. If you are wondering if Trashhead00 is dead, sorry to disappoint you, I am still alive and kicking.

Without much ado, some things I have been up to lately, explained with graphics for those of you who can't read

Working Out
Its official. Biceps measure 14 inches now. Previous record was 13 inches in college. I still remember that year's vacation when mom got scandalized seeing over sized arms (as compared to the rest of my body). She put me on a strict diet thinking that I was getting obese! This time around, I am also working on my chicken legs so as not to give my mom another shocker when I visit her this month.

Biker Boi Valentino
Been free riding (on my game console). I always fake about being a biker. In my defense I am good at it (the faking part). So much that I got a gift of a scaled Honda Valkyrie model. Yay...!

Guitar Hero 3, Rockband... bring it on boyZ.. give me my guitar. I can manage to do a shriek too in Rockband. Total paisa-vasool


Mega Gaming event. Read more about it here
It was interesting because of this video. Just switch the volume and watch it. You will find me describing a terrorist attack I just saw

Punch Punch

Ran out of punching bags in the office. So now we use colleagues

Beauty Treatment
What is the fuss all about? I tried it out. No change though. Same old fugly me

I am finally going home after almost 2 years! Please do drop in your wishlist in the comment box. Hometown is in the North Eastern part of the country