Monday, July 23, 2007

Save The World

So as we see above in the docudrama by Mike Judge, mankind faces a great danger from ITSELF! Unfortunately now, we don't have one mankind. Mike Judge is one of the greatest writers, animators and scientists that the MTV generation has ever seen. His past research includes Beavis and Butthead, so we can rest assured that this docudrama is as reliable. On one side there are Smart People (SP) and on the other there are Dumb Asses (DA). The documentary deals with the smart people who never let their sperm and ova share the same room at night like parents at their daughter's slumber party where guys are invited. But yes, there will always be that ONE defective condom, that one loss of control moment, that one last temptation or that one perfect set up when a smart kid will be born.

Note: When we refer to someone being "smart" in this article, it simply refers to a high IQ and has nothing to do with common sense (which incidentally is a most uncommon thing).

So what happens to the smart kid? How does he live in this growing world of super terror, the terror of the dumb asses?! By sheer number, DAs continue to screw the SPs over and over again! It wasn't always like this. Back in time, whenever the number of DAs would cross a certain number, the SPs would devise wars and disease to reduce their numbers. Like, take AIDS for example. do you think a DA could ever go screw a monkey? No way, man! DAs get their DA women! It's easier in their clan! For the SPs, their survival purely depends on the successful pick up line. Researcher Dave Barry puts it well in this white paper:

Now, as time forged forth, SPs have moved on to better activities like managing the world, saving the planet, genetic engineering, stem cell research and PMRC. This has led to sudden vacancy of positions in the war and disease department which in turn has been filled by the only greedy, poor and unemployed side of mankind: Dumb Asses! We all know what the real name of the "War on Terror" campaign is, don't we? If you don't, then check this conspiracy theory out. 'War on Terror' abbreviated becomes, WoT, which is internet slang for, "What?" The answer to that "What?" is, "Exterminate all SPs!" Only a DA could've thought of a dumb cipher like that! If it was any cleverer, some SP would've decoded it.

Some of you might say that we are talking very macro here. Ok, let's get micro then! Everyday, right from the time you wake up, DAs are trying to kill you. Your milkman delivers stale adulterated milk, your baker gives you fungus ridden bread, eggs are bird-flu infected, your neighbor throws garbage bags at you, your car mechanic person forgets to enable your brakes, DA taxiwallas and autowallas drive through heavy motor vehicles and into the No Entry signs... The list goes on and on. If you think that you are safe in the office which is full of smart people, think again. Read the newspaper clipping below.

Now, let us analyse the life of an average smart kid who is born under circumstances stated in the first paragraph.

Phase I: Innocence and Childhood

Smart Kid: Plays with science kits / books and has conversations with the stars, the neighborhood dogs and other creatures. Lost in his/her own world.

Dumb Kid: Plays with toy trucks and barbie dolls. They are preparing themselves towards the grand union once they come of age. They're already asking each other out into their cardboard box houses and have discovered that one of them doesn't have a wee-wee.

Phase II: Adolesence and Teenage Years

Smart Kid: Too caught up with exam scores to consider haircuts and personal grooming. Clothes are generally unisex, so you don't really know which sex the person is. Are either religious or have strong ethics which prevent them to explore the physical aspect of the other sex. For them, human genitals are diagrams which might come in their term exams or they reside only in TV screens

Dumb Kid: Usually the most popular person around school. Cheerleading, sports and parties take up all their time and most of them have already started the process of reproduction by now, with quite a high rate of success.

Phase III: College Years

Smart Kid: Finally the smart kid finds a place where he/she can pursue their interest (usually something academic) without things like baths, haircuts, change of clothes etc. being a bother. He/she does all activities online and their online avatar is much more presentable than their offline versions. Is part of clubs and societies of similar kids and again the confusion of sex determination leads to very less hetrosexual 'activities'

Dumb Kid: College is a never ending party. The Cheerleader and the Jock continue their mating habits with multiple partners, thus increasing their chances of propagating their kind. The gene pool widens and stronger and dumber kids are born. Drunk sex with strangers happen often.

Phase IV: Adulthood

Smart Kid: This period is the last nail in the coffin for the smart kid. Due to their ability to put in long hours and work like a machine, they are usually lapped up by finance companies, technology companies and research companies. They are then caged in a 6 X 6 area called a 'cubicle' and the last physical interaction with real people die out and the only sex they get is online. By now the smart kid has got used to having no/less sex and the very prospect of physical intimacy is enough to give them an anxiety attack (which it does). Online community sites happen next where the smart kids don't go beyond scrapping each other.

Dumb Kid: This period is like the golden period for the dumb kid. They would generally be seen in jobs which doesn't really require much smarts and will have easy access to a lot of members of the opposite sex. They usually go on a rampage and fill the world with their 'juniors'. Most of the 'juniors' would have no idea who their biological parents are. Marriages and Divorces and Drunk sex with strangers continue to happen, just that this time condoms are long forgotten and gonorrhea and HIV and herpes are introduced, but mind you, these are not deterrents! Well, Online community sites happen where they meet more DAs of the opposite sex and more the merrier! Cheap lodges zindabad!

Phase V: Marriage

Smart Kid: What? No way! Career! Money! Flat! Sofa! Convertible! Microwave! Promotion! MBA! Where's the time? And even if they get married, where's the time or inclination or for that matter state of mind to screw or "make love" as they've learnt to call it 'in R/L'.

Dumb Kid: What? No way! Been there, done that! Might do again if another condom splits!

Part VI: The Offspring

Smart Kid: In a few years when I am all settled and I can afford a Ivy League education with a good International Business degree for my child.

Dumb Kid: The offspring's already having offsprings! Ha!

Moral of the story: Stop reading if you're STILL reading this! Go offline! Get out of your office! Go to some bar, get drunk, have sex! Help save the smartness in the world!

PS: On a slight offshoot, doesn't it strike you as odd when you see an undernourished street couple having tons and tons of kids while a highly privileged couple visiting an infertility doctor??? I think the reason for it might be that the internal machinery of the street couple start to think that they are dying out as a species and hence the increased fertility. Don't know.. its for you readers to think and come up with an answer

I am not the only wise guy to be blamed for this monstrosity. Chief contributors are as follows:
Editor: Jugal Mody
Fellow sufferers: Sharan & Angelo

For reference, you can read up this interesting study on intercourse and intelligence


Corny name said...

haha, this is ONE Seriously awesome post.
lots of food for thought here..


Jugal said...

Thanks for the opportunity to do something intellectual, Trashhead :) It was an honour working on this piece :P

Jugal said...

Oh an addition: People with common sense have been totally endangered and are close to extinction by the above two species because of their common-sense-hunting spree. They kill the human common sense day and night! Hence we have excluded the analysis of their life since their numbers are negligible.

trashhead said...

lol.. with the last comment, jugal boy you have just become a serious contender for the trashhead00 Tee shirt ..

keep it up yo :)