Friday, March 7, 2008

A Front/Rear Side Story

Indians like to do it with their hands and water. Westerners use paper. I am sure you have by now guessed what I am referring to. If not, then I am assuming you do neither so please feel free to tell us more about your technique

Of course I am referring to the cleaning of the exit after the dump. No matter where you do it, in the open, on the side of the railway tracks, in your home loo or at your buddy's loo, I am sure you do clean up after the act.

The point of discussion, however is not the loo. It is the ritual of cleanup after the act. If you are an average Indian, it is pretty simple. You pick up a mug of water, roll up your sleeves of your left hand (in case you are lefty, then the right hand), and then with a rather unassuming air, splash water on the exit orifice and with a daft movement of the fingers clean it up.

So what's the interesting part you ask? well my dear friends, here lies the catch. Has it ever occurred to you to spare a moment and think about the direction from where you splash water on your orifice? You will say "Its pretty simple. Everybody splashes the water from the front/rear !!". Wait a minute, did you just say front/rear? Yes my friend, you can splash water from both directions.

Now I will share with you some of the findings of a rather scientific research and study that I conducted way back in college. I went around with a questionnaire and polled some 300 odd students, ladies included, on the splashing direction habit of people and to summarize:
  • The number of people who splashed water from the rear is exactly the same as the number of people who splashed water from the front! It is one of those unexplained mysteries of the world. Nobody knows why, but it is evenly balanced. The day one faction outnumbers the other, it will be doomsday for sure!
  • 90% of people who participated in the poll didn't even know that you can splash water from the other direction!
  • 95% of the participants felt that splashing water from the other direction was practically impossible and couldn't understand why anyone would do it
  • 50% of couples polled had opposite directions. It came as a major shock for all the couples
  • People of different directions (amongst the same sex) were more likely to become good friends.
  • Only a rare 1% polled were unidirectionally, which meant that they were adept at splashing water from both directions. All of them were high achievers in their field of study. Sign of genius??
  • Left handers are more likely to splash water from the front, while right handers are pretty much adept at both directions
  • A high 70% of the ladies polled, did it from the front.
  • Western potty users are more likely to do it from the front
So if are through reading this post, ask your neighbor about his habits and I assure you, you will be surprised with his answer and he will be too when you tell him your side ;-)

As for me, I do it from behind :-)

See you guys after my holiday!


soumya mukerji said...

Ahem... now I see why you got good grades back in college... profound researches :D

Karthick Gopal said...

Real men do it from behind.

Jugal said...

Considering that you conducted your research in IIT, I presume that the 50% of the couples that you mentioned in the post would be between 5 to 10, hence that theory in matchmaking shall be rejected because the sample set taken for research was too small... Yes, it took me a while to figure this one out because I almost smsed some of the women I dated asking them the question in an attempt to figure out why it didn't work out or rather why I came back home with a heel mark on the areas surrounding my exit.

trashhead said...

@ Jugal

That's where you made your mistake :-). I went to junior college for my 11th and 12th. And that college was teeming with hormonal teenage guys n gurls. But... there was one kid who wasn't able to take advantage of it. No prizes for guessing who it was :-P

Beni Pegu said...

Front for men seems a little awkward, especially considering the physical protrusion(s) obstructing the trajectory of the splashed water. But I guess some people are quite adept in overcoming obstacles!!

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Jaycii said...

i come on to your blog to see what you've been up to, and my only thoughts were
"what the fuck?"

that's a pretty funny one tho

Abhishek kumar said...

Dude, i think here the matter of concern is the job of doing & not just limited to self cleaning. well i think majority cleans from Rear & i have a logical reason for it.
when you were less than 3 yrs old..... who used to wash your's? your mom? similarly... any infant is cleaned by her mother.
Now the point is that anyone doing it for other e.g. infant or in case you are helping anyone, in both the cases it is a human tendency to clean from REAR. If u have a doubt you can clear it by asking your mom or any woman having an infant.

you will find that the balance between front & rear doing people will be unbalanced by Rear-doing majority. No matter even if someone else washes you off..... i think thats what the survey is about !

by the way... i do it from front.

trashhead said...

@ Abhishek

Dude.. despite all your training and insight into the matter, the very fact that you still do it from the front goes a long way to show how valid my arguments are :-P

Keep posting your views..