Saturday, August 23, 2008

5 Applications I Want On The iPhone

OK... the iPhone 3G finally made its debut in India.

Every new product market launch from the Apple stable causes fanbois to line up and camp in front of the stores, days (sometimes weeks) ahead of the launch date, across the world. Surprisingly, in one of the biggest markets for mobile phones in the world (India dumbo!), the launch didn't create any such fanatic activity and the one guy, a small time actor, who actually made it to the store at midnight, had his 15 minutes of fame on national TV and press.

No point in writing a review about the iPhone as it has been done to death by everyone. What we will do instead is to talk about one feature of the iPhone which I found very innovative. It is the Application Store, where you just logon to, browse through the various applications (including third party ones!) and pick something which interests you. You can choose from mobile games, movie, music, karaoke and even finance applications.

Top 5 applications in my wishlist would be:

# 5. Honker Buster Ultimate

How many times have you felt like murdering the person driving the vehicle behind / next to you at traffic signals or jams. No matter how impossible it might be to move even an inch, he/she will honk as if you are respopnsible for the jam. And if you have experienced the highways in Mumbai, you will know what I mean. Don't worry, help is near with the new Honker Buster Ultimate application

The next time you are in such a situation, just run the Honk Buster application on your iPhone and point the phone to the offending vehicle. It will emit a powerful electro-magnetic pulse which will disable all electric circuits in the vehicle rendering it totally useless for 1 minute. In that 1 minute, he will see his entire life pass before his eyes and will realise how it feels like to be on the recieving end of all that honking

#4. Guess Who?

How many times have you met somebody somewhere and forgot completely about him after that meeting. Then one fine day, 5 years down, you see that someone come running to you with open arms and introduces you to his family and you have no idea who he was and you don't want to break the poor guy's heart by telling him that you don't remember him. This is when the Guess Who? application on your iPhone comes to the rescue

Everytime you meet a new person, just run the Guess Who? application and your iPhone will do an automatic scan of the person's facial features, biometrics and voice and store it in the phone memory archives along with the name and the conversation (kinda like gmail). The next time you are in a sticky situation, just run the application and click on "Search" option. Based on the subject's voice alone, it will give you the details about the subject and your history with him. No more awkward situations with the "Guess Who?" application.

#3. Universal RiMote Beta

One for all and All for one. There are a lot of universal remotes available but each of them has their own set of problems and the biggest challnge is that you are not carrying one when you actually need one. All will be history with the Universal RiMote application

This application is actually universal as it will sync your iPhone with all electronice devices (which can be conrolled remotely and irrespective of manufacturer) within a range of 15 feet and give you a list of controllable devices like a normal phone throws a list of bluetooth enabled devices around you. You pick your device and start using the controls remotely. No more fighting with your spouse for the TV

#2. Stun Da Gun

Ever been in a life threathening situation where you wish you had a stun gun? (I have been in a lot of dog dramas). This is when you should be able to covert your iPhone into a defensive weapon using the Stun Da Gun application

Like emergency numbers, the combination required to activate this application should be accessible even if the touchscreen is locked. Once activated, you just have to take aim and press the power (fire) button. It will release an electric pulse with enough voltage to stun an average human male for 10 seconds. So cool..

Since it can be used as a weapon, this application will be sold like one too

#1. Get Laid Suite

Tired of spending Saturday nights watching TV or surfing porn? Don't despair. Help is just an application away. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the ultimate in seduction technology guaranteed to ensure that you never sleep alone again, the newly updated Get Laid Suite now available at the Apple Application Store for just $2

What does it do? Lets take the scenario of you heading out to a hot spot on Saturday night and how this application helps you.

Featured highlights:
  • Scans the number of incoming / outgoing calls from a nightspot, checks with the service provider for the percentage of female listed numbers and gives you the demographic statistics. Example: ClubX has 112 active users in the past 30 minutes. 67 active female listed numbers
  • When inside the club, you hover your iPhone over a female and it gives you the following information: Biological age, height, bust size and if they are real, most likely profession and the likely number of drinks you will have to buy her to get into her panties (costing will be based on the club's rates)
  • Wingman 1.0 feature gets turned on if lady is with another guy. The other guy suddenly gets a text from his mother asking him to come quickly for an emergency. Most appropriate line to kick start the conversation is displayed
  • During the conversation, based on keywords, information and trivia are prompted regularly to make you sound knowledgeable and intelligent. Also eliminates the requirement of you having to listen to her attentively (well.. very attentively at least :-P)
  • After both of you have warmed up enough and its time to take her home, Dial-A-Ride application ensures that a cab is waiting for you outside the club door with your address already texted to the driver's phone
  • Forgot to check if you have condoms back at your pad? Fear not, for Doc Con 1.1 application has already cheked the medicine stores open at that time around your are and a pack of your preferred brand is on its way
  • Erogenous Zone Detector application then scans the female and based on the nerve distribution data analysis determines the 5 most erogenous zones for you
  • OrgasmO application ensures that she climaxes at least 5 times during the act
OK.. I might have been a little over ambitious with OrgasmO :-)

There you go. I hope I get to see these applications available soon. Which applications are you waiting for?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Love Shove And All That Bullshit...

.. Or alternatively, Shove All That Love Up Your...

(A guest post)

When you sum it all up, Indian men have two psychological complexes which are complemented by the female of the Indian species equally well. But me being me, a prominent sexist and popularly titled MCP, I shall show you everything only from the male side of things, you do the substitution. For instance, when the man is doing his hero thing, the woman is doing her daddy thing.

1. The Hero complex
2. The Oedipus complex

If you look closely most Indian men at the beginning of courtship are always trying to save the woman. They're always like, "Are you in trouble? What happened? This That, come let me help you cross the road, go against your father's will, he's not the father of your life... more this and more that!" The man is known to go to the extent of trying to convince the woman she's in trouble only to save her. Yes of course, there are times when this backfires but the corollaries are not important to the theory.

And then they put on a cape and fly down (which they can't) so they tarzan swing down to help.
Post initial courtship phase: The hero phase causes sudden exhaustion of all the adrenaline they've gathered over a dry spell. They suddenly realise that their knees are weak and they need mumma back! But then of course they have to maintain hero image in front of girl, so they end up treating girl like mumma!

Just like the phases of grief, one doesn't always go through all the phases of courtship. Sometimes they tend to skip one or the other phase depending on how well the woman has adapted. Sometimes one phase lasts much longer than the other. Sometimes both of them together last as long as a lifetime. Sometimes women enter the man's life as second mummas only. Sometimes the men keep saving the woman forever and the woman keeps getting into trouble purposely to keep their attention.

Anyways, the point being once they run out of stories which dont fall into either of the above phases, there starts a conflict of interest. During this phase of conflict, the couple --
A. Either they really fall in love
B. Starts cheating on each other/breaks up.

The third and most popular option is addiction. This where the post-courtship phase begins in case they don't fall in love, they get addicted to whatever hell one is putting the other through OR both are putting each other through. Even fear is a hormone one can get addicted to. Unlike A and B, the third option is not exclusive, it may come with packets of A and B as well.

Falling in love is very rare and tough because that would mean they'd have to accept how stupid they were during courtship. Heroes and Sons don't accept they're stupid. A damsel-not-in-distress and a mother will NEVER EVER accept that either.

So the ultimate question in all these relationships is: Once the drama dies, who will save them? Is this lack of drama another universal name for relationship? Some questions unfortunately can't be answered by mankind. Though one can always derive immense pleasure from this all when one is a third person viewer. If you're a first person experiencing it all, then the sex better be good and worth it.

Thus ends a lecture on Male-Female Non-Platonic Interactions. Thank you, don't come again...